Monday, May 16, 2011

May 24 - Me

Oh my. Now you are all alone in the hospital! According to the subtext of your first message Nurse Angela was typing for you. If she has gone to the village you must be typing all by yourself... this is amazing given the state of your health condition and advanced geriatrics.

I decided to follow your instructions precisely and went for a massage. I wasn't sure why you wanted me to get one, but I knew you had a reason, so I put it on the Foundation's credit card and elected for one of the Swedish variety. They sent in this brute of a lady who's name was Hilda. She had man hands and the strength of a lion. She almost separated muscle from bone every time she rubbed. I wish you were there because I think your German would have come in handy. All I could understand was MMMMM, Bork, Bork, Bork. I barely escaped with my life. After that ordeal I came straight back to get the info ready for our transaction.

I remember from an earlier email that you need 4 pieces of info from me:
1. My Full Name: Benjamin Dover
2. Home Address: 1004 Hassle Way - New Satire City, CA 90210
3. Telephone: I don't have a number because those jerks at the phone company won't listen to reason. My oldest smotherless child used the phone to call Papua New Guinea and talked to some tribal elder about leaf lettuce for six hours. The bill was enormous and I refuse to pay it.
4. Any ID with date of birth: I have attached my Costco ID because I think that tells you the most about me. In our culture we have an elite class of people that get to shop at this store (which has huge buggies and seats for twin toddlers). I happen to belong to this special caste and am allowed in the store to purchase bulk items. When we have a spaghetti dinner to promote The Smotherless Baby's Foundation, I will go to Costco to buy the plates and plasticware.

Don't forget, I need to get a little advance from you to set up the foundation. $250 sent Western Union should cover it.

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