Sunday, July 3, 2011

July 3 - My first response

Mrs. Faith John,

I am so glad that you emailed me. It sounds like you have quite the story. Just for clarification, are you in South Africa or Abidjan? I get those two confused, but I hear southern Africa is beautiful this time of year.

I am sorry for your husband's death. I would love to have met him. It appears he was a real genius. To camouflage a trunk box containing 2.5 million dollars with the words FAMILY VALUABLES AND TREASURES displays a high level of aptitude. I would have probably labeled the box BORING OLD TAX DOCUMENTS and someone would have thrown them away. You know, Al Gore actually had this idea for America's Social Security plan, but he is an idiot, so no one listened.

I do want to correct one thing you said in your letter. You seem to believe that the Bible forbids you to remarry and have children. It is really clear in the New Testament that after the death of your spouse you can remarry. I have already picked out my replacement wife (just in case). I just hope Joan Rivers outlives my current wife, because I have no plan C. Now, you may have some trouble as you are suffering from cancer (are you bald yet?) and a stroke sickeness (does one side of your face sag?). To be honest (and I am speaking as a guy here) you are not very marketable. We are mostly interested in how a woman looks. Think Joan Rivers and you will know what we are all about. Maybe one of those match maker sites that doesn't require a picture could help you...

One thing you are right about: the Bible teaches that blessed are those who give. I am impressed by your use of the early-modern-English form: giveth. I know that you wrote that first-hand and didn't copy it from anywhere, because that phrase doesn't exist in the Authorized Version. I also appreciate your use of Exodus 14:14. Whenever those pesky Egyptians are chasing me through the wilderness, I recall that God will fight for Israel in a covenant-fulfilling historical setting. Very encouraging for me as a 21st-century American.

If you want to send me the money, I will use it to maintain God's house (in a New Testament temple way) just as you have asked.

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